Humor

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about you... and that's a good thing!"

9. Contents of your curbside recycling tub are stolen, reorganized, and replaced.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glacé with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

5. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you everywhere -- even after you leave the bathroom.

4. You discover that every napkin in the whole house has been folded into a swan.

3. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

...and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.